I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
