So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize