I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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