I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The best revenge is premature balding
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
