i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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