just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
