just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
