If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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