remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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