it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
