a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize