Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I will be naked everywhere
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
