dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
