In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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