I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
