Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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