I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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