No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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