Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
