Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
