Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
