I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
