I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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