No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize