Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
