I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
