Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize