no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize