if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
