This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
