he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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