Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
