You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
