I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
