Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
