So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
