He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
