remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
