i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
