she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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