Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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