You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
