You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
