Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
