Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
