my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
