Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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