everyone is single if you try hard enough
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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