Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
