I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize