I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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