Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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