The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
