We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
