dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
