You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
