I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
