I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
