Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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