I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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