you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
