I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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