I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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